but all im still searching for is you… <3
and there he was right in front of me in the dark…
I couldn't see his face but I knew that he was staring at me very intently… I could feel how much he wanted to say it...
at the same time how much he wanted to keep to it himself; the things that would make our relationship impossible…
“kung alam mo lang nins, grabe , nirerespeto kita”
he told me that a good two to three times over…
I felt relieved, I knew I should stay away, but at least now I know that I can linger with out having to deal with anymore emotional hassles with him…
I like him, but he wasn’t you…
he was my guitar boy… I bid him goodbye telling him that I wont wait…
It was only fair for we both knew I had nothing to wait for…
I told him to let me go as a lover and keep me as a friend...
deep inside I wish we could be more, but this time I know how to keep my distance by being within a fairly short vicinity from where he was, as long as we would remain just as friends I think we will be fine…
I think he’s trying to keep his promise, he’s still my friend but he’s not as present as he has been for the past few weeks…
It was a perfect goodbye… it almost makes me want to bid you farewell one more time… but I don’t know if I’m just quite ready to admit that its going to be really over after that…
Work Boi: LOLIt's been almost a year since I made it to a church drunk,...
Me: how about making it to church at all?
Work Boi: Same, it was last Chrismas....
Me: i wasnt drunk at church anymore, got in a good 30 min power nap since it was the church in our province
Me: LOL figures
Work Boi: Went to misnight mass with a girl I met at the pub
Me: LOL
Work Boi: We had to repent for fooling around in the parking lot
Me: score!
Work Boi: Very much so, She's trying to come back down soon.
Me: hahaha so its going to be a decmber thing with the two of you then?
Me: jajaja
Me: hahha
Work Boi: I can hope before..... She's visited a couple times so far this year
Me: hahaha
Me: well so its a litle more than a fling
Me: LOL
Me: i have/had a december boy, but somewhere along the line i think i fell inlove with him
Me: LOL
Work Boi: :-)
Work Boi: cute
Me: :P
Me: how can crazy be cute?
Me: LOL
Work Boi: LOL, I luv cravy a bit to much I guess....
Me: hahaha i like the irony in crazy, but it can get sad sometimes coz not everybody gets you
Me: LOL
Work Boi: True...
Me: the funny thing is that the only person who i felt got me a lot didnt say much... i just felt that he got me
Me: i talk a lot and its very rare that you feel that you get listened to hahaha
Work Boi: Ya, I can see that...
Me: ;)
Me: your one of em few who can catch up in listening
Me: LOL
Me: thats why i talk to you a lot even if i barely know you
Me: LOL
Work Boi: It's easy to read back on IMs
Work Boi: LOL
Me: yah i think that helps too
Me: LOL
Me: and your a lot like my first boyfriend so i was at ease to talk to you
Me: not crazy
Me: LOL
Work Boi: Cool :-)
Me: the part where your just like my ex or that im announcing that im not crazy?
Me: i like to reffer to myself as vibrant than crazy LOL
Work Boi: LOL
Work Boi: It's good either way.
Me: LOL
Me: gotta run out for some errands, catch you later old man :)
Me: :*
Work Boi: K, TTFN :-*
but its complicated with him too…
probably as complicated as it is with you…
the big difference is that he’s here and he’s been consistent so far…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately on what level of complicated I can take…
not just with you or with him, just how much I can take of what’s there on my plate based on years of experience with you and other people…
its not an easy thing you know… coz somehow I always end up getting hurt. most of the time its worth the pain, but does it always have to be that way?
the funny thing is that I think I may be moving on with or with out him from you… and yet this is the only safe space for me to say my feelings
…someone betrayed my trust again… and all I could think of was how I wanted to see you and hold you hostage with my truth gun...
I did this once… I’m not sure how to do it again though?
can you tell me how you made me do this?
The thought of night lights flickering and the cold December breeze always pops up…
For some odd reason everything felt perfect that night…
Now its all simply too vague to me… like the bright lights simply fading away…
I moved this blog as a sign of moving forward from missing you…
I’ve been rationalizing you out of my system lately and I think its working…
Although the idea of what could have been is still the prettiest picture in my head.
“I’m not making plans for tomorrow…
for tomorrow, NEVER COMES”
i got sick the other day due to the flu, cough and tonsilitis...
i missed you right after i went to the doctor coz i remember for the last four years I've only been majorly sick like three times...
and everytime i do get sick i remember having the urge to tell you...
maybe its because a part of me always wished that you'd make a silly gesture and visit me somehow...
just thinking out loud...
i had a photoshoot with my best friend the other day... all these pretty pictures of me looking so fabulous... just like how you used to make me feel whenever i spent time with you...
it feels like the truth and a lie all at the same time...
it feels like we've been running around in circles trying to avoid the question of who you are...
i don't know if you tricked me or any of the girls you are with now, but it still feels true to me...
i wished i was the one to the girl to make you fall in love... i wished i was the girl who would change your perspective with life and love...
i wished i was the one who has gone the closest to whatever it is that you wanted or needed...
i guess ill never know...
there a lot of questions in my head that is making me dizzy right now... more than mixed emotions, i have mixed perceptions right now...
was i just like every other girl to you?or was i any different?
was i the first person to make you want to really be someone?
i know you wanted to love me, i could feel it... i also know you are far too screwed up to love... i just don't know why....
was it all a game? if it were, why give it all away so quickly?
are you protecting me from you again?
i don't know if i want to know... for if i do, i don't want everything that's in my head to be a lie... or if it goes the other way, i don't want to be stranded for a man that won't move mountains just to have me...
i don't know where you want to go, but it seems like in your own screwed up way, you are all set for the future you want...
i want the best for you, i really do, with or without me i want you to be happy...
i want to be with you as much as you want to protect me from you....
despite all of this i think you are a good man for being as real with me as you can... may it be a scheme or not, you set me up to move on even if subconsciously you keep on drawing me back to you...
so i guess i'll do what i have never done before...
i will let things be....
i will let you be who you are and i will be where i am... if i move on or not or how long it will take me, i will not tell you anymore...
just know that i care for you and i wish you all the best in life..
so stop setting up yourself for a screwed up personal life...i don't want you to end up alone (or without anyone special willing to sit beside you when you grow old)...
take care always old man
love,
me...
I think I'm missing you like I haven't missed you before...
A lot could have happened in the time that has passed...
I'm scared that you decided to have a personal romantic life without me...
A lot could have happened in the time that has passed...
I'm scared that you decided to have a personal romantic life without me...
its been a long time now, i guess its time to pack up all hope and move on...
i dont want to act naive anymore....
this will never go anywhere near what i deserve to have...
Its selfish I know, but I have seen everybody else, being seen is so much better :P
I've been watching sex and the city all over again with hana lately since there really isn't anything much to do with bumhood except for filling myself up with TV series, so I can relive my life vicariously through what i can watch depending on my mood and my whim...
I don't know if its the bumhood, me being single, our last conversation or the three years I've had with you that got me thinking about this particular part of sex and the city...
I've always found myself fixated on the character of Carrie in sex and the city, coz just like her, I have an emotionally unattached man in my life that I've been crazy for ever since we started going out.
I don't know if i can be Carrie, coz to tell you the truth no matter how much of an ass Mr. Big was to carrie, the time they spent together was much more than what we ever had.
Just like you, Mr. Big also had no intentions of hurting Carrie, but big was different in getting himself involved rather than playing safe and keeping a safe distance... and true to form, like the any male protagonist in any chick flick or modern TV series, he did let the girl down more than once...
And he hurt her like no one else did in her entire life.
Honestly I don't really care for the drama of it all, but something draws me to the scenario coz no matter how he hurt her, at least he tried to show her that despite his being a typical stupid man, he wanted to love her.
I wouldn't know what our relationship is because I guess we never really tried at it to begin with...
Even if our love affair would be one that ends in disaster, lets say if you end up settling for a "simpler" option, I wanted to be the girl to say "your girl is lovely hubble" and live with the satisfaction that the complicated passionate love affair had actually taken place and was once too much to handle...
its slowly becoming more real to me though, how the romantic notion in my head is simply what i wanted things to be rather than what you actually had to offer; which was more convenient for you rather than for me.
and with that i guess I'm upping the stakes...
the last time you talked to me, you subtly asked me if I was willing to be complicated...
I guess I still am a little wiling to sign up for that, but you have to know that you are signing up with the carrie katie experience... and once you don't get it, then I guess there goes us...
that's my last offer and if you cant take that then you have to tell me to let go, coz i deserve a happy ending, even if its 26 me being katie, telling hubble that the girl he's settling for is lovely...
so what do you say? drinks to talk about the final stakes?
call me
i feel stuck...
which feels worse than feeling stranded if you ask me...
i feel like im hanging on to a romantic notion that exists only in my head sometimes...
as if everything is the same, when i know that it should be changing...
coz i think i deserve that...
its not an all or nothing scenario...
i just want something more than the idea...
