I'm not making plans for tomorrow

So okay, I don’t know what exactly was on my mind when I started compartmentalizing my life and my blog pages as well. But due to technological and demands of maturity, I am putting things back together.

I guess you can account it to a lot of things; clearer vision, better technical skills, new discoveries so on and so forth, but I’m picking up the breadcrumbs and putting in it in one wonderful stew <3

I can’t say if this is a better move but a new move and a calculated one none-the-less, it was fun writing here and I am excited to be able to write again.

For a clearer version as to where we are going and why here is the blog post on my “original/mother blog” http://ninnz.livejournal.com/343107.html

Can’t wait to make more progress with blogging soon <3 thanks for following me to this blog (or stumbling upon it and giving it enough time to be read )

I have long accepted where I am in your world and that what we had was a wonderful memory that only you and I could share…

Even if you and me consisted in a small bubble that contained just the two of us, I think to a certain extent, you showed me that I should love myself first in times where in I could not do it for myself…

Yes, it may have felt that you weren’t worth the hassle and time but I guess to a certain extent you were well worth all the lessons I’ve gained in life, learning and loving others as well as myself.

You may have meant it or not, the life lessons I’ve learned in love and intimacy could never have been realized if it were not for you… If you had not shook my world that way.

I still think about it though, how your stare touched my skin… how I lit up when I told  you my stories and how you made me feel that I could defy my own limits.

It felt surreal but it was what I needed to learn how to love myself, and at the end of the day, even if you meant it or not, you lead me to believe that who I am was a pretty good picture to get everything that I wanted.

I always wondered how it would be like if you took that adventure with me… I never hated her for being the one to settle you down… Deep inside I’m really thankful that she is there for you and that you were man enough not to include me in your confused path…

I think that was the only way you could have showed me how you cared about me… delusional as it sounds I think I’m sticking with this theory. And that’s how I can bear going through  the next chapter of my life… with the idea that who I am is good enough to let go of someone like you…

Thanks for the ride old man… take care always

Sometimes I still cant help but think about it…

All the “what-if’s” and the “could have been’s”our relationship could have had…

But then again, after five years of wondering and pining…

I’m not about to lie to myself all over again…

There was no relationship to begin with…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sticking to the idea of how much he cared for me…

I know in my heart and in every encounter I had with him, how dear he held me in his heart…

May it be time, circumstance, ego, distance or any other excuse.. when he told me we met halfway, I believe him…

I was just pretty sure we were never in the middle of that bridge at the same time…

I never lied to the people around me about how much I cared for him, I just always knew my place in his so-called complicated life…

I have to admit, it hurt like hell when he moved on with out me…

But when I think about it, that move was only but inevitable after everything he’s been through with her… after everything she had to put up with… just for him…

to a certain extent I kinda felt relieved that it wasn’t me…

coz I know in my heart that I would have done exactly what she did…

even if that was not what I deserved…

So where am I?

I might be at the point that I’m looking for someone to take his place…

Someone who I can look up to and someone who can stare at me and make me feel like the single most beautiful girl when ever he let me in his guarded zone…

Have I replaced him and do I intend to make the next broken boy turn my world around? most likely not…

I think time and experience has taught me that these kinds of things is not what’s best for my future…

I guess I just want to prove to myself that he chose me…

and since I’ve never had anything concrete from him to prove that…

that someone like him will choose someone like me…

and maybe, just maybe, if it’s the right time and circumstance, I’ll let someone in…

It maybe the next guy who’s just like him or someone who’s not..

all I know is that he’s someone who’s going to be good for me…

no matter how long it will take, I’ll give myself the chance to look for that…

It’s what I should allow myself to work for… It’s something I haven’t been able to do for myself given everything that I’ve been through…

now I can really say that I am…

no photos, just steps…

no romantic notions, just rational decisions.

thanks for an era… I really enjoyed it :*

 

goodluck to your future endeavors and I wish you well in everything that you choose to do with with your life.

*signing off

 

Ninnz

After using the idea of you as an excuse to move on with my romantic life, I think I’m ready to really let people in this time around

A lot has been happening lately that I know  I can’t exactly tell everybody else…

I know this blog used to be about when I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t access him…

He’s really the quiet type so every time I showed him myself and my soul, it didn’t matter what he said, all that mattered was that he was there and he looked at me…

Like no man has ever looked at me before…

Anyways, I’ve been bumming hard with my singleness lately and I also had some time to contemplate on how screwed up I can get sometimes… I thought things would get simpler when you grow older, I guess that’s not the case with my life now…

He probably thinks he knows what he will get himself into; he's been vocal about how he wanted to be with me, but I didn't see him the same way... I know its my fault for getting drunk that night and letting him get so close... it's a good thing that now he's learned how to maintain his distance, but I know he still likes me a lot..

I shouldn’t have gotten that close; I didn’t think it would get that far, but everything changed when he held my hand. I liked flirting with him but to a certain extent, I could never really picture him with me as a boyfriend. A big part of it was that he was too young for me, another is that he never fell into any category of my type physically. The deal breaker was that I saw too much of my ex in him… the one who didn’t know how to look at me… I thought I was bound to break his heart, but he broke my ego when he turned 180 on me just right after things got intimate… I felt really stupid after that but I never looked back I thought he asked me if he should have anything to explain “its your business.. im never the type to ask... but if someone tells me something it better be the truth... para all expectations are met and nothing gets messy” now that I looked back, he didn’t say anything of that sort… I kinda feel a little stupid for the remark but it was something that I really wanted to tell him.

Sing me a love song; He told me he loved me, and I said “I know… but you have to behave”. I know how he looks at me and it was nice knowing that he loved me and that there was forced distance in between us. I like him too coz he makes me laugh, but other than that I could never really see him with me in a way that could have made him happy… not that it could ever happen, but that’s just how it works…

I adore him; I think he adores me too… I could feel it in those kisses we exchanged and the way he looks at me sometimes. But that too is a road not worth taking… I still think about it now though, how he kissed me and how he looks at me… Its like being in Highschool all over again and how I felt like I was in love with a professor that I adored… I guess I love knowing how smart people see me… to a certain extent it kinda makes me feel unstoppable.

I think that would be great; I thought he was cuter that most people in my field so I took some time to get his attention by being me and walking around him… I think it worked coz he stole a kiss from me when we getting photographed… I liked him coz he spoke well and he wasn’t bad to look at either… if only I could have had more time to talk to him I would have blown him away… tee hee

I can see myself taking care of him; I only met him once but he told me that I was really smart and that he was really into smart girls… the thought of him kinda scares me coz he’s the type to be surrounded by amazingly gorgeous women and I’m never the type to admit it, I’m only pretty, that thing that makes me stand out is my colorful personality and amazingly quick wit… I don’t want to stress over the idea too much, coz at this point, I think I’m really ready to mingle and stress from expectations tend to pull me down, no more excuses this time around…

I’m never really the type to admit things more than once, but I haven’t really dated anyone seriously before… I kinda hate courtship coz its setting yourself up for emotional play… and I’m not the type to play with emotions… I like taking things one step at a time and I like jumping into those steps one after the other hahaha…

I’ve been browsing my blogs a lot lately and I just realized that up until some time ago, I liked to write everything that  I feel, and I mean everything… in any case blogging always gives me great insight… so there it was… I feel a little better now that its out of my head and in another place… I think ill be blogging a little bit more from now on… I think I’m ready to face whats going on in my mind again

 

 

Open up next to you

And my secrets become your truth

And the distance between

That was sheltering me comes in full view

Hang my head, break my heart

Built from all I have torn apart

And my burden to bear

Is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need

He's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands

Still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday

I'll breathe again

- Sara B (Breathe Again)