I'm not making plans for tomorrow

I really dont know how to put my finger upon how I exactly feel right now... It feels like I'm in this trance where-in its last year all over again, but somehow really different and the same in some odd twist of fate...

all over again...

Then again, I also cant help but feel that its me all over again, wishing and hoping underneath the stars, and the bright night sky that my elipses would ever turn into anything more than question marks... then again, its always just that, in time I've learned to accept the difference of what I could ever get from him and me and what I've always hoped for from him...

I have come to replaying each moment of bliss just like the colors thats beggining fade in the picture thats in my head replaying over and over and over again...

its like i never learn, or maybe to a certain extent, im not ready to... not just yet...

ive been hurt over and over and over again and yet i still give the same amout of me each time a spark of hope makes me think that i can make something from the little peices that still doesnt seem to fit somehow...

then again, its never as easy as it looks and i do love to live life right on the edge... almost never jumping every other time, but taking that leap every other time...

i dont think this is the round where-in i get to leap... coz i need to look down now and see if he's at least willing to stay down there and wait to catch me if i fall...

it doesnt even matter if he can or he will... its all a matter of him being there in the first place... coz this time around, im not broken into smaller peices just yet... im right about in that place where the glue is stil beggining to dry...

im not ready if he's not... specially in this round of all over again

you're either freaked out about me and us again...

or you're not yet ready...

just a thought

if i could change your mind, how would you hold me? would you stay forever or just leave me here to drown?

as you've probably noticed by now, when im not living life or getting out there living out my passion or connecting to people, i do TV series marathon to get me thinking about how my life is going and how my relationships are rolling out to be...

it's odd in a way... but it helps me gadge what is normal... or maybe what ever it is that i can also hope for...

for the past few days, i've been doing a sex in the city marathon just to get me thinking about relationships and how it is to be a full grown woman in a world of career, self growth, dating and life in general i guess...

to a certain extent ive seen everything we could be and everything that we havent managed to be together... how we can connect as us, but how weve never really managed to go out of the comfort zone to actually risk something to be together...

makes me wonder how i am really handling my relationships and general and how we could ever manage in this world with so many complications...

dont mind me, im just rambling again...

if theres one thing to gain from all the days of being dreamy and hopeful from watching chick flicks, i guess it the thought that even if fairytales are overrated, you can chose to make reality the best version to match what you really want in life...

mine is pretty simple actually... my fairytale simply involves three kids, a husband and probably weekend family trips or lazy sunday mornings in bed that is followed by coffee and exchanging newspapers...

my fantasies does not include big expectations not being met and the girl asking for the knight in shining armour...

a simple i love you and a sweet speech on how you know me is already enough to sweep me off my feet..

my friend once made 1000 paper cranes for her hubby coz it symbolized love and the commitment to try to keep that love going as long as she can...

for me the fairy tale does not include recieving a thousand paper cranes...

all it takes is one and the hope to be beside me while we work on the thousand more together can be a dream come true already...

what if ill tell you i want to have babies?

then again... i dont want things to be that complicated without talking and thinking things through...

hahahaha

just happy to have had the idea as it is

missing you...

i can still remember the gilmore girls marathons ive taken just to be able to embrace what we had before when we were actually dating...



hahahaha so here's a compilation i did to help you understand what i saw that time... what ive hoped for to a certain extent.

" The soul of the world has been splitting over the years. For some reason, it always splits into a male and female counter-part. Thus.. our soulmates are born. However, since so much time has gone by.. we could have more than one soul mate.. our soul could have, and probably did, split more than once.

Considering what weve been through, I can't even begin to explain what we are right now, how we've come to where we are and how we always wind up coming back to each other no matter how we know that its bound to get out of hand one day...

As crazy or as odd as it might sound...

All i know is that my heart somehow calls to you...

Knowing me; with my overly honest self and open heart, I have nothing left to lose but the chance to be open and honest with how I feel... coz we both know that Im the type of person who would rather make answers than ask questions...

"I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine"

that's what dorie; the blue fish from finding nemo said to the jelly fish that stung her...

When i noticed her say that, for the first time that it actually struck me, you were the first person that i thought of... you are the only person that i would think of when i would hear that...

At this point of my life, I know everything is bound to sting you, and although I may seem to be built of rainbows and sunshine, I know pain and I also know that some pains are worth it for the possibility of happiness that lies ahead...

I would never ask you to give more what you than you could, or go against anything that would make you happy. All I know is that sometimes, I find myself wanting you to want to me enough to know that more from you will be well worth it by what ever more i can give you in return.

We were never the conventional couple... We talked about having kids before commitments... We found comfort in the thought that we can make love with each other without having to force each other to commit to actually loving each other 24/7.

When you first held my hand and said they matched, it felt like home but somehow different, it felt like the kind of home that you would need a long trip and a steady road map to get there... it felt as if it were the kind of trip that will be long and grueling but most likely well worth the wait...

I can feel that you know me...

I can feel that you want to know me exactly how I want to be known, exactly how I want to be looked at, exactly how I want to be touched...

you know exactly what to say, just enough to keep me with you and just enough to protect me from you...

What has always bothered me is why or how we couldn't take that step so we can see how much further we can go together...

To a certain extent its also comforting to feel just how much you care for me, without risking the thought of permanently loosing you in my life...

Then again, you aren't exactly a real part of my life... your more of an occasional dream... a dream that I needed to decode all the time... I guess no matter how disappointing it was each time I had to wake up and realize that it wasn't real yet, I found it comforting that I even had that dream for the time being to begin with..

Maybe to a certain extent, what ever we could be is still a fantasy, and knowing me, no matter how much I know that I am capable of reaching my dreams, most of the time I tend to take the back seat in the hopes that I can get the next best thing using smaller risks and less effort...

I honestly thought that I was over you when I decided to compromise my life with ken, but when we were together that night, when were watching the cars pass by katipunan while waiting for what we would say or do, I could feel my heart calling out to you, I could feel my hand going back home to you... it might have just been the liquor talking or maybe I could charge it to the thought that im in love with love or attention, but if that were the case, then I would have fallen for someone else right now... I could have asserted myself to be in another relationship that I could make do with for the time being...

When I let us walk away from each other I had a feeling that you still wanted me, that maybe somehow you could have loved me but you just didn't want me to be close enough to get hurt, that maybe our different worlds is just not bound to fit given the distance, my age and our schedules... I let you walk away without fighting for our chance coz I know that Im okay on my own knowing that you told me that you were giving yourself a chance to love someone in your own sphere; a girl from your office...

Jan 11, '08 8:01 AM

"i was lying beside him when he asked us to move on from each other... and we were just there for a while, with him and I exchanging sighs knowing that it could have equally been a good thing; him and me together or apart...

It just sucked to be there to listen to the reality of it not working out while we were there perfectly comfortable beside each other, with him breathing down my neck while I feel that it couldn't have been more perfect to be there just being beside him, being able to hope for possibilities and talk about all my passions and frustrations in life."

I thought I could find that with someone else, but it back fired, the next guy couldn't even look me straight in the eye and make me feel like the most beautiful person in his world...

I don't know how you do it... I don't even know if I'm just imagining things or making false assumptions... all I know is how you make me feel when I'm with you... that no matter the chance of anything we say or do be a lie, it just feel true... its like I dont even want to remember any instance in my life where I was wrong just to keep the idea right....

I've thought of a million reasons why it won't fit; you and me... but all i know right now is that the last time I was with you, I forgot all the pain I had. All i knew was that there you were, looking at me, i couldnt help but blush at the thought that you could actually love me... I didn't want the night to end coz despite the reality of the next day or the reality of who you are and how far you can give, I cant help but hope that one day maybe you can want to give more than your reality...

Coz reality is a state of mind...

and marriage is not a commitment that forces you to be with one person for the rest of your life... its merely a hope that you might have found the person who you can try love for the rest of your life and the person that you will share your hopes and dreams with... one person who will help you raise your children and last but not the least, the person who you can find to be the most tolerable to grow old with.

I know that this is a long shot everything I just said and everything I'm hoping for...

but the thought of simply getting everything out of my head and out in the open and in the hopes that theres no were else to go but stay here or go up in the stage of our relationship... i just knew that its worth a shot...

coz this is how I climb walls, I say things to make you want to let me go near you... if I get close enough to climb I will... but if im still too far to even try, I know when to walk away...

so there goes nothing I guess... next step is up to you <3