I'm not making plans for tomorrow

I have long accepted where I am in your world and that what we had was a wonderful memory that only you and I could share…

Even if you and me consisted in a small bubble that contained just the two of us, I think to a certain extent, you showed me that I should love myself first in times where in I could not do it for myself…

Yes, it may have felt that you weren’t worth the hassle and time but I guess to a certain extent you were well worth all the lessons I’ve gained in life, learning and loving others as well as myself.

You may have meant it or not, the life lessons I’ve learned in love and intimacy could never have been realized if it were not for you… If you had not shook my world that way.

I still think about it though, how your stare touched my skin… how I lit up when I told  you my stories and how you made me feel that I could defy my own limits.

It felt surreal but it was what I needed to learn how to love myself, and at the end of the day, even if you meant it or not, you lead me to believe that who I am was a pretty good picture to get everything that I wanted.

I always wondered how it would be like if you took that adventure with me… I never hated her for being the one to settle you down… Deep inside I’m really thankful that she is there for you and that you were man enough not to include me in your confused path…

I think that was the only way you could have showed me how you cared about me… delusional as it sounds I think I’m sticking with this theory. And that’s how I can bear going through  the next chapter of my life… with the idea that who I am is good enough to let go of someone like you…

Thanks for the ride old man… take care always

Sometimes I still cant help but think about it…

All the “what-if’s” and the “could have been’s”our relationship could have had…

But then again, after five years of wondering and pining…

I’m not about to lie to myself all over again…

There was no relationship to begin with…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sticking to the idea of how much he cared for me…

I know in my heart and in every encounter I had with him, how dear he held me in his heart…

May it be time, circumstance, ego, distance or any other excuse.. when he told me we met halfway, I believe him…

I was just pretty sure we were never in the middle of that bridge at the same time…

I never lied to the people around me about how much I cared for him, I just always knew my place in his so-called complicated life…

I have to admit, it hurt like hell when he moved on with out me…

But when I think about it, that move was only but inevitable after everything he’s been through with her… after everything she had to put up with… just for him…

to a certain extent I kinda felt relieved that it wasn’t me…

coz I know in my heart that I would have done exactly what she did…

even if that was not what I deserved…

So where am I?

I might be at the point that I’m looking for someone to take his place…

Someone who I can look up to and someone who can stare at me and make me feel like the single most beautiful girl when ever he let me in his guarded zone…

Have I replaced him and do I intend to make the next broken boy turn my world around? most likely not…

I think time and experience has taught me that these kinds of things is not what’s best for my future…

I guess I just want to prove to myself that he chose me…

and since I’ve never had anything concrete from him to prove that…

that someone like him will choose someone like me…

and maybe, just maybe, if it’s the right time and circumstance, I’ll let someone in…

It maybe the next guy who’s just like him or someone who’s not..

all I know is that he’s someone who’s going to be good for me…

no matter how long it will take, I’ll give myself the chance to look for that…

It’s what I should allow myself to work for… It’s something I haven’t been able to do for myself given everything that I’ve been through…

now I can really say that I am…

no photos, just steps…

no romantic notions, just rational decisions.

thanks for an era… I really enjoyed it :*

 

goodluck to your future endeavors and I wish you well in everything that you choose to do with with your life.

*signing off

 

Ninnz