After using the idea of you as an excuse to move on with my romantic life, I think I’m ready to really let people in this time around
A lot has been happening lately that I know I can’t exactly tell everybody else…
I know this blog used to be about when I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t access him…
He’s really the quiet type so every time I showed him myself and my soul, it didn’t matter what he said, all that mattered was that he was there and he looked at me…
Like no man has ever looked at me before…
Anyways, I’ve been bumming hard with my singleness lately and I also had some time to contemplate on how screwed up I can get sometimes… I thought things would get simpler when you grow older, I guess that’s not the case with my life now…
He probably thinks he knows what he will get himself into; he's been vocal about how he wanted to be with me, but I didn't see him the same way... I know its my fault for getting drunk that night and letting him get so close... it's a good thing that now he's learned how to maintain his distance, but I know he still likes me a lot..
I shouldn’t have gotten that close; I didn’t think it would get that far, but everything changed when he held my hand. I liked flirting with him but to a certain extent, I could never really picture him with me as a boyfriend. A big part of it was that he was too young for me, another is that he never fell into any category of my type physically. The deal breaker was that I saw too much of my ex in him… the one who didn’t know how to look at me… I thought I was bound to break his heart, but he broke my ego when he turned 180 on me just right after things got intimate… I felt really stupid after that but I never looked back I thought he asked me if he should have anything to explain “its your business.. im never the type to ask... but if someone tells me something it better be the truth... para all expectations are met and nothing gets messy” now that I looked back, he didn’t say anything of that sort… I kinda feel a little stupid for the remark but it was something that I really wanted to tell him.
Sing me a love song; He told me he loved me, and I said “I know… but you have to behave”. I know how he looks at me and it was nice knowing that he loved me and that there was forced distance in between us. I like him too coz he makes me laugh, but other than that I could never really see him with me in a way that could have made him happy… not that it could ever happen, but that’s just how it works…
I adore him; I think he adores me too… I could feel it in those kisses we exchanged and the way he looks at me sometimes. But that too is a road not worth taking… I still think about it now though, how he kissed me and how he looks at me… Its like being in Highschool all over again and how I felt like I was in love with a professor that I adored… I guess I love knowing how smart people see me… to a certain extent it kinda makes me feel unstoppable.
I think that would be great; I thought he was cuter that most people in my field so I took some time to get his attention by being me and walking around him… I think it worked coz he stole a kiss from me when we getting photographed… I liked him coz he spoke well and he wasn’t bad to look at either… if only I could have had more time to talk to him I would have blown him away… tee hee
I can see myself taking care of him; I only met him once but he told me that I was really smart and that he was really into smart girls… the thought of him kinda scares me coz he’s the type to be surrounded by amazingly gorgeous women and I’m never the type to admit it, I’m only pretty, that thing that makes me stand out is my colorful personality and amazingly quick wit… I don’t want to stress over the idea too much, coz at this point, I think I’m really ready to mingle and stress from expectations tend to pull me down, no more excuses this time around…
I’m never really the type to admit things more than once, but I haven’t really dated anyone seriously before… I kinda hate courtship coz its setting yourself up for emotional play… and I’m not the type to play with emotions… I like taking things one step at a time and I like jumping into those steps one after the other hahaha…
I’ve been browsing my blogs a lot lately and I just realized that up until some time ago, I liked to write everything that I feel, and I mean everything… in any case blogging always gives me great insight… so there it was… I feel a little better now that its out of my head and in another place… I think ill be blogging a little bit more from now on… I think I’m ready to face whats going on in my mind again
Open up next to you
And my secrets become your truth
And the distance between
That was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heartBuilt from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear
Is a love I can't carry anymore
All I have, all I needHe's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands
Still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday
I'll breathe again
- Sara B (Breathe Again)
It's so odd and crazy for me to comprehend that we ever met halfway... I always had this romantic vision of what we had but I never dared to ask you what it meant for you too... You telling me that halfway was real was a testament to how my gut was spot on with everything that I had always assumed but also feared to ask... If only I can do something with that halfway in your head....
I’m not sure what you meant when you said that we met halfway but I think that idea is both comforting and scary at the same time.
I think you may have waited too long to get anywhere near where I was a few years back with you…
at this point I may just be a little hopeful but mostly broken…
I badly want to fall in love right now but I guess I may have lost the drive to get any from anyone… yes that may just include you…
I’m not sure if you have found me here already… this page isn’t just quite as obvious as the last one… maybe that also represents where I am for you also…
My friends keep on insisting that in love and relationships, you should always have a few steps advance than the person wooing you… I think I may have always disagreed with that…
I’m a safe risk taker… always have been… I only take risks with those I know ill continue to want loving once I’ve decided to give it a chance. If not, then what’s the point in all the drama….
The thing with you is that I don’t know what kind of risk you will be… what kind of relationship we could have… so I really don’t know if its worth any risk I could ever take.. that’s given the fact that you haven’t really given me the chance to take any risks at all (which is probably what keeps me glued to this thing that we have) considering how thrilling and breath taking every moment has been with you… its always been safe.
Maybe that’s also why you keep coming back…
The problem with social experiments is that the subjects or any subject for that matter can never be properly quantified nor qualified.
This is because a subject lets say, sometimes can’t even quantify of qualify his or her self adequately based on the possibility of deeper issues and/or inhibitions.
The bigger problem with social experiments, especially if it lacks foresight or proper reason is that the proponent often finds him or her self trapped into the problem, that they themselves become an inevitable factor of the experiment.
At the end of the day, the proponent, once deduced into being a mere variable, losses the ability to contain the outcome.
Hence my conclusion that social experiments is better left to the inevitability of life conducting its own miraculous experiment of concocting the perfect formula for you rather than pursuing a formula of your own.
_just_a_thought
sometimes I sing on my own
hoping you’d hear the lyrics and
read it as a window to my heart
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