Considering what weve been through, I can't even begin to explain what we are right now, how we've come to where we are and how we always wind up coming back to each other no matter how we know that its bound to get out of hand one day...As crazy or as odd as it might sound...
All i know is that my heart somehow calls to you...
Knowing me; with my overly honest self and open heart, I have nothing left to lose but the chance to be open and honest with how I feel... coz we both know that Im the type of person who would rather make answers than ask questions...
"I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine"
that's what dorie; the blue fish from finding nemo said to the jelly fish that stung her...
When i noticed her say that, for the first time that it actually struck me, you were the first person that i thought of... you are the only person that i would think of when i would hear that...
At this point of my life, I know everything is bound to sting you, and although I may seem to be built of rainbows and sunshine, I know pain and I also know that some pains are worth it for the possibility of happiness that lies ahead...
I would never ask you to give more what you than you could, or go against anything that would make you happy. All I know is that sometimes, I find myself wanting you to want to me enough to know that more from you will be well worth it by what ever more i can give you in return.
We were never the conventional couple... We talked about having kids before commitments... We found comfort in the thought that we can make love with each other without having to force each other to commit to actually loving each other 24/7.
When you first held my hand and said they matched, it felt like home but somehow different, it felt like the kind of home that you would need a long trip and a steady road map to get there... it felt as if it were the kind of trip that will be long and grueling but most likely well worth the wait...
I can feel that you know me...
I can feel that you want to know me exactly how I want to be known, exactly how I want to be looked at, exactly how I want to be touched...
you know exactly what to say, just enough to keep me with you and just enough to protect me from you...
What has always bothered me is why or how we couldn't take that step so we can see how much further we can go together...
To a certain extent its also comforting to feel just how much you care for me, without risking the thought of permanently loosing you in my life...
Then again, you aren't exactly a real part of my life... your more of an occasional dream... a dream that I needed to decode all the time... I guess no matter how disappointing it was each time I had to wake up and realize that it wasn't real yet, I found it comforting that I even had that dream for the time being to begin with..
Maybe to a certain extent, what ever we could be is still a fantasy, and knowing me, no matter how much I know that I am capable of reaching my dreams, most of the time I tend to take the back seat in the hopes that I can get the next best thing using smaller risks and less effort...
I honestly thought that I was over you when I decided to compromise my life with ken, but when we were together that night, when were watching the cars pass by katipunan while waiting for what we would say or do, I could feel my heart calling out to you, I could feel my hand going back home to you... it might have just been the liquor talking or maybe I could charge it to the thought that im in love with love or attention, but if that were the case, then I would have fallen for someone else right now... I could have asserted myself to be in another relationship that I could make do with for the time being...
When I let us walk away from each other I had a feeling that you still wanted me, that maybe somehow you could have loved me but you just didn't want me to be close enough to get hurt, that maybe our different worlds is just not bound to fit given the distance, my age and our schedules... I let you walk away without fighting for our chance coz I know that Im okay on my own knowing that you told me that you were giving yourself a chance to love someone in your own sphere; a girl from your office...
It just sucked to be there to listen to the reality of it not working out while we were there perfectly comfortable beside each other, with him breathing down my neck while I feel that it couldn't have been more perfect to be there just being beside him, being able to hope for possibilities and talk about all my passions and frustrations in life."
I thought I could find that with someone else, but it back fired, the next guy couldn't even look me straight in the eye and make me feel like the most beautiful person in his world...
I don't know how you do it... I don't even know if I'm just imagining things or making false assumptions... all I know is how you make me feel when I'm with you... that no matter the chance of anything we say or do be a lie, it just feel true... its like I dont even want to remember any instance in my life where I was wrong just to keep the idea right....
I've thought of a million reasons why it won't fit; you and me... but all i know right now is that the last time I was with you, I forgot all the pain I had. All i knew was that there you were, looking at me, i couldnt help but blush at the thought that you could actually love me... I didn't want the night to end coz despite the reality of the next day or the reality of who you are and how far you can give, I cant help but hope that one day maybe you can want to give more than your reality...
Coz reality is a state of mind...
and marriage is not a commitment that forces you to be with one person for the rest of your life... its merely a hope that you might have found the person who you can try love for the rest of your life and the person that you will share your hopes and dreams with... one person who will help you raise your children and last but not the least, the person who you can find to be the most tolerable to grow old with.
I know that this is a long shot everything I just said and everything I'm hoping for...
but the thought of simply getting everything out of my head and out in the open and in the hopes that theres no were else to go but stay here or go up in the stage of our relationship... i just knew that its worth a shot...
coz this is how I climb walls, I say things to make you want to let me go near you... if I get close enough to climb I will... but if im still too far to even try, I know when to walk away...
so there goes nothing I guess... next step is up to you <3
2 comments:
muggz said...
"I can feel that you know me..."
This must be the most beautiful and emotional post I have seen in a while. Hope your story will end well. Best of luck...
stardust said...
thanks...
all i know is that i simply feel lucky to have had the dream at any point in time at all
tommorow is another day :D